100 Things The Cullens Aren't Allowed To Do
by EmilyMarie15
Summary: The title basicaly says it all. I am counting Jake as a Cullen because this is about four years after Nessie is born. There are now more than 100 things! Rated T... just in case.
1. Rules

**Narrator's POV**

One day, after a night of annoyances and trouble from the "kids" Carlisle came up with a great idea…

**Esme's POV**

"Everyone get down here!" I heard Carlisle shout. I love the man, really I do, he is brilliant and hot… but he doesn't need to shout.

I walk into our family room. I see Edward, Bella and Nessie on the couch. Jake is standing behind it, staring at Nessie. Edward looks annoyed and so I can only guess what Jake might be thinking.

Rose and Emmett walk in from the yard and Alice and Jasper come down the stairs.

"So," Carlisle says, "I have come to a decision…"

"What did you decide?!" Emmett interrupts him. Carlisle glares, I try to look annoyed, but it truly was funny.

I glance at Edward,_ what is her planning?_ I think my question. I see Edward shrug slightly, obviously he is to busy monitoring Jake's thoughts to listen to Carlisle's.

"As I was saying before," Carlisle starts, "I have decided that we need rules."

Everyone groaned when he said that. However, he rolled his eyes and continued.

"Everyone will receive ten rules, and they will be written by the person's partner. Also, they should be written in a third person manner. For example if I wrote on Esme's that she can not have Jasper make me depressed, the rule is unclear. Because even though Esme knows I wrote it, she could take me as Edward and still have Jasper make me depressed. Does everyone understand?"

So wait… this means that Carlisle and I will be getting rules also? What did we do to deserve that?

I look at everyone's faces and it seems that they are thinking the same thing. I could answer that question though.

"Esme and I will go first," Carlisle says, and then he leaves the room.

**Carlisle's POV**

This will be difficult for me; there is nothing wrong with Esme. This assignment will be the easiest for everyone but Esme and me. However, we must set an example.

**Edward's POV**

What the hell?! How am I supposed to do this stupid assignment? Bella is perfect she has never… oh wait.

**Bella's POV**

Edward is not allowed to… to what? I have no idea. What has he ever gotten in trouble for doing? Whatever it is, I should put it on the list, which would please Esme and Carlisle the most.

**Emmett's POV**

Well I guess Carlisle thought this would be hard to do. It won't be hard, though. Rose has done some bad things and I know for a fact that they are things Esme and Carlisle do not approve of.

**Rosalie's POV**

Oh yeah! This will be so easy! Heck, Carlisle should make us write twenty rules! I already know what I am going to write.

**Jasper's POV**

This is confusing! I know that Alice has done some bad things, but I'm having trouble remembering them. I blame everyone for acting confused because their partners "never do anything wrong".

**Alice's POV**

This will be easy. I sort of saw this coming; it was blurry because of the presences of Jake and Nessie, though. However I looked into the future and saw a couple things that were worthy of being on Jasper's rules list.

**Jake's POV**

Has Nessie ever done anything wrong? I know that she has, but I can't remember them. I think that since I imprinted on her I just instantly forget ever flaw. I guess I'll have to remember now.

**Nessie's POV**

Jake has done some bad things, like kiss my mom. But I know he'll never do that again, because he loves me. However, there are some other things that I am sure he will do if they aren't on his list.


	2. Carlisle & Esme

**Carlisle is not allowed to:**

1. look down on anyone who isn't a super smart vampire doctor

2. dance to Ice, Ice Baby

3. boss around the dumber doctors

4. love his enemies to death

5. try to act like a gangster

6. tell Jennie Garth that he is replacing her husband

7. tell Aro that he is better than him

8. ask his patients to call him Dr. McSparkley

9. use medieval torture methods when punishing the boys

10. ask Nessie if he can observe her behavior

**Esme is not allowed to:**

1. allow Emmett to ruin the furniture just to get new furniture

2. take away Alice's credit cards as a punishment (she WILL go crazy)

3. tell people that she jumped off a cliff, died & came back to life

4. tease Carlisle about his accent (even though you love it)

5. offer Isle Esme to total strangers

6. have Jasper make Carlisle depressed, just so she can cheer him up

7. steal little kids

8. write a parenting book

9. give her "kids" _the talk_

10. go into mothering mode


	3. Edward & Bella

**Edward is not allowed to:**

_tell everyone that he is a better musician than Bach

_steal cartoon jingles and tell people that he composed the song just for them

_hang the pelt of every mountain lion he gets on his wall

_convince Emmett that Jasper crashed his car, even though he didn't

_tell Jasper to make Bella feel the need to trip "for old times sake"

_give Nessie _the talk_

_break Jake's leg every time he touches Nessie

_walk around a mental clinic yelling, "I hear voices!"

_go to the Volturri every time he is depressed

_cut off all of sleeves on Alice's clothes

**Bella is not allowed to:**

_arm wrestle Emmett on the dining room table

_feel like jumping off a cliff just to make Jasper crazy

_hide when Alice wants to go shopping

_kill Jake for calling her mom (even if he was kidding)

_tease Rose about being the only one with a child

_taunt Jane about her powers having no affect on the family because of her shield

_never lift said shield, so Edward would not be able to read her mind (still)

_tease Jasper about having better self control

_lie to Edward

_leave Nessie and Jake alone in the cottage (you know how Edward reacted last time)


	4. Emmett & Rosalie

**Emmett is not allowed to:**

tell Bella that when she was human, Fergie wrote a song about her

tell random guys that his wife is the hottest woman alive (they don't like it)

give Edward instructions on how to smash houses

jump into the grizzly bear cage at the zoo

dance to "Single Ladies" in public

give everyone in the mall a bear hug

tell Nessie how many times Jake and Bella made out

jump on Seth, when he is a wolf, and scream "pony ride"

steal Rose, Alice, or Bella's makeup and wear it

tell the town the Jasper is emo… and gay

**Rosalie is not allowed to:**

threaten to divorce Emmett, just to see him grovel

try and kidnap Nessie

nor is she allowed to kidnap Jake and ditch him in Iowa (again)

don't ask Alice what her hair will look like in five minutes, every five minutes

buy anymore malls

seduce car salesmen into giving her free cars

convince Jasper that since they are "twins" he must act like her

try and out play Edward on the piano, and smash it when she loses

be on America's Next Top Model

have more than one wedding a year


	5. Jasper & Alice

**Jasper is not allowed to:**

~write Mike down on the shopping list (even though we all want to be rid of him)

~do tai chi, to contain his self control (we all know what happened last time)

~ask "how do you feel about that" … it is annoying

~hide all of his clothes so Alice won't be able to dress him up

~rant about the South losing the war (just get over it!)

~wrestle crocodiles ever again

~tell Leah that he wants to "LaPush her off a cliff" (she doesn't appreciate it)

~tell people that he can see their aura

~run through Forks screaming fire… at three a.m.

~say "that's what she said" every time Carlisle says something

**Alice is not allowed to:**

~open a future seeing booth at the fair

~buy another porshe (it will not keep your current porshe company)

~shop more than 5 times a week

~give Bella anymore makeovers (those are only for the willing, which she is not)

~re-stock everyone's closet more than once a month

~polish Seth's nails hot pink while he is sleeping

~buy any malls (neither is Rose, so don't say that it is unfair)

~plan more than one party every month (more than one is just too much)

~say "like" more than once in a conversation… unless using it properly

~tell people that she is not short, she is fun sized (we get it already)


	6. Jake & Nessie

**Jake is not allowed to:**

-make more than one blond joke per day

-convince Emmett, that he too, is a shape shifter, and his animal is a bat

-call Edward Eddie… or dad

-reject Esme's mothering

-tell Sam that Leah is planning to kill Emily (it isn't funny)

-take his clothes off in front of Charlie ever again (it scarred him for life)

-dress up as a vampire on Halloween

-run away to Canada

-disobey rules about Nessie

-call any member of the Volturri a leach, parasite or bloodsucker (they'll kill him)

**Nessie is not allowed to:**

-ask Alice what her future is (it'll just bother her)

-think about Jake in ways Edward will not like

-bite Charlie

-drink human blood… only animal blood (deal with it)

-try to smash rocks

-tell people that her parents are sparkly

-act like a teenager (you are only four)

-convince Emmett that he was a girl named Emmy in a previous life

-invite all of Jake's friends over (last time Esme went into "mother mode")

-visit Carlisle at the hospital, ever again

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**I hope you all enjoyed this. I might have them get into some crazy situation, causeing more rules to be added to their lists... but for now this is all. Please Review. =)**


	7. Truth or Dare

**Alice's POV**

"Okay everyone, gather around!" I announced. It was that time of the month… the time when we all played Truth or Dare. I know this time will be very good, because Jake and Nessie won't be playing today. Therefore, I know exactly what Jasper will look like in the bunny suit.

**Edward's POV**

Sometimes I absolutely hate this game. However, today it has been going well. There haven't been too many mishaps yet. Jasper did have to put on a purple bunny suit and stand in front of Newton's store. That wasn't bad though, it was actually very funny.

"Edward," says Emmett, "Truth or Dare?" I wonder what to choose. My family has become very good at not thinking of a truth or dare until after I pick. Therefore, I have no idea what he will do. I decide to take a risk.

"Dare," I say. Instantly, I hear Rose's thoughts. Oh, crap, she told him she would help him think of his dare. This is going to be torture, she's the reason I have a fear of fruit.

Rose hands Emmett a piece of paper, reading her mind I know that it has a couple of dare options and he is supposed to pick one. I see him smile and know that this can't be good at all.

"Edward, I dare you to pole dance, using the light post in front of Jessica Stanley's house." My eyes widen and I stop breathing… so what? It's not like I need the air.

"B-b-but…" at first I think I'm saying that, but I realize that it is really Bella who's the one trying to speak. I put my hand on her shoulder and mouth 'it's okay'. Then I stand and look around the circle. I decide upon Jasper, he did make me his witness while he was in the bunny suit. Now it was payback time.

"Oh, goody," he mutters. He stands up and we run out the door. I hear Edward shout, "for at least a 90 seconds!" oh how super.

Getting there I reach out and try to read any mind in the Stanley house. I hear the thoughts of only one person, Jessica. However, there is a house across the street that could be a problem… If I knew who lived there. I don't though, so I shrug it off and look at my watch.

At exactly, 7:38.30 I start my lovely little dance. I stick out my tongue at Jasper. Now he is completely aware that this is my form of payback. The next time I look at him his head is in his hands, he is shacking and muttering, "Wrong, so wrong."

I look at my watch; I've danced for the 90 seconds, so I stop. Jasper and I run right back to the house and are greeted by looks of expectation. They all want to know if I actually did it. Of course, Alice saw, but she probably didn't tell them about it.

"Well," said Jasper, "there was a lonely little housewife across the street that got quite, um, not as lonely." He chuckled, knowing that my form of payback was worth being able to tell everyone that I had turned on a 'lonely little housewife'.

**Emmett's POV**

That was hilarious. After Jasper told us that Edward told on a lonely little house wife Bella began to have issues with Edward's commitment. Now she's glaring at him while Edward is muttering, "un-freaking believable."

"Edward!" shouts Alice, "It's your turn."

Edward stares at all of us. For a moment I think that he is going to pick either me or Rose, knowing that both of us conspired against him. However, the genius also knows that Rose and I have no fear and know no shame.

"Alice, truth or dare," he says, Alice's mouth pops open, usually Edward doesn't pick her.

"Um…" her eyes glaze over. She is trying to see what the truth and what the dare will be. However, her eyebrows scrunch together and I can tell that Edward hasn't decided upon the truth or the dare yet. So, Alice, deciding to be brave says, "Dare."

Edward smiles and says, "Go to the store, buy a bunch of bananas and then take them outside and throw them at the unsuspecting towns people." I laugh; I can totally picture Alice throwing bananas at people. She looks at me and glares, standing up she says, "Common Emmett."

Yes! She picked me to be her witness, now I don't have to picture… I can actually witness it!

Once we get to the store and buy the bananas we stand outside. It must be cold out because everyone is bundled up in warm clothing, except us. I can see that it is getting us stares; well our clothing won't be all that is getting us stared at. Alice takes a deep breathe and walks up to a woman of about 45.

"Excuse me, would you like a banana?" Alice asks her, holding one out for her to take. The woman stares at her and shakes her head, Alice then says… or rather, screams, "Take it! Take the BANANA!" then she throws it at the lady. I try to keep a straight face, but it's really funny.

Alice proceeds to do the same thing to 6 other people. I am surprised that nobody got the store manager. As we run back to the house I say, "I can see why they put you in the asylum." I laugh at my own joke, but doing so causes me to not watch where I was, get tripped by Alice and then run into a tree.

As Alice continues running she calls over her shoulder, "I see why you were stupid enough to taunt a bear and then be mauled!" I scowl at her back and run to catch up to her.

* * *

**That's it! For now, I'll probably post another chapter like this one, and then I'll post the new lists of things they are not going to be allowed to do. Review please!**


	8. Dare or Dare

**Bella's POV**

So… this game has been crazy. Nothing has happened to me though, surprisingly. However, some crazy things have happened to everyone else. Jasper had to dress in a bunny suit; Rose had to cut the sleeves off her and Alice's clothes (much to both of their disliking). Also, Alice had to throw bananas at people and Edward had to pole dance… which he didn't invite me to witness. I am still shunning him over the lonely house wife incident.

Once Alice told us about Emmett running into the tree I decided that this has been the funniest truth or dare game ever. However, I haven't been picked yet and I feel left tout. I am sure that that will change though, because now I t is Alice's turn to ask someone a truth or dare.

"Bella!" I hear Alice squeal and I know my moment of bliss is about to come to a halt. I look at her and raise my eyebrows; indicating that I am ready for whatever she is going to do to me.

"Dare or dare?" she asks me.

"Wait… what?" I ask. I am sure I didn't hear her right. This is truth or dare… not dare or dare.

"Bella," she says matter of factly, "weren't you listening when we were explaining this game's rules?"

"Um, well… not really."

"Well, silly-billy, you should have! Then you would've heard that this is deluxe truth or dare!"

"Meaning?"

"Le-Gasp!? Edward! I just realized that Bella has never played Deluxe Truth or Dare with us!"

"What is Deluxe Truth or Dare, Edward?"

"Well," he says, "it is truth or dare, but only for the first four times, then it is basically just dare or dare."

My mouth hangs open and I stare at Edward, not believing my ears. However, I have super natural hearing now; therefore I suppose that I must've heard him correctly.

"So, Bella dare or dare?" Alice asks me, an insanely evil grin plastered onto her face.

"Whichever," I grumble, "it's not like I have a choice."

"Your right, you don't. So, Bella, I dare you to go the mall and go into the men's room. Then stand in front of one of the urinals with your pants unzipped. Then every time a guy comes in and stares you have to say: do you mind?"

"Shit," I mouth. Then I stand, grab Edward and run off in the direction of the nearest mall. I hear Alice shout 'for 2 minutes!' and I groan.

*****

We're standing in the bathroom. It is empty, thank the lord. I unzip my pants and let them fall around my ankles. Edward is standing next to me, looking at his watch, ready to tell me when it's time for me to start.

"Go," he says, so quietly only I can hear.

I count in my head. When there is only 45 seconds to go I hear the door swish open and some random guy comes in. I look over my shoulder and see him staring. He probably isn't staring at the fact that a woman is using a urinal, but my but… and my bright red thong. If I were human I surely would've blushed.

"Do you mind?" I ask him. He slowly starts to back out and suddenly Edward is back at my side.

"3, 2, 1," he says and like lightening I have my pants back where they should be and I'm glaring at the random. I take Edward's hand and we leave as fast as possible. Our run home was silent. I lift my shield and think of my self standing just in my underwear… with just Edward there. Then, when I hear him slightly moan… I slam my shield back down.

"Damn," he mutters, and I laugh.

**Jasper's POV**

Wow, I'm surprised that little sis actually did her dare. I'm not that Bella retaliated and dared Alice. However, I am so surprised that Alice did her dare, which was handing over her credit cards. Each time she gave one to Bella she would say goodbye to it. Wouldn't you know… she named them! There was Alfie, Jem, Opal, Franny, Georgia, Penny and Pink.

After that Alice did the 'mature' thing and dared Bella. She dared her to eat a pop tart. Poor Bella… the whole time she was eating it she had a disgusted look on her face. That look only intensified when Emmett told her they used to be her favorite food. After the pop tart was down Bella dared Emmett, who, after telling five little kids that he was the tooth fairy, dared Rosalie to go up to Carlisle's study and rearrange all the books so instead of being in order by author they were in order by title.

"Jasper," says Rosalie. I realize that it is her turn to dare someone and I also realize that she must be daring me.

"I dare you to… dress as an orange and run around town yelling: sunny d!"

Oh shit, why do I always get the dares that involve dressing up in stupid costumes?

**Rosalie's POV**

Jasper made me his witness. It was rather funny, watching him run around in that orange costume. I think he is mad at me though, because he is giving me the cold shoulder. Wait, do oranges even have shoulders? No, they don't, so maybe I should say that he is giving me the cold round or something…

Anyways, its Jasper's turn and I think he is going to pick Emmett for his dare. Sure enough he says, "Emmett, dare or dare?" maybe I'm becoming a mind reader like Eddy-kins.

"You wish," Edward mutters. _No I don't,_ I think and he scowls at me. I turn my attention back to Jasper who is giving Emmett his dare.

"I dare you, to not have sex with Rosalie, for a week," he says. I nearly pass out… well I would if it were possible. Why do I have to have this punishment also? What did I do to Jasper… oh wait, I'm the one who dared him to dress like an orange.

**Narrator's POV**

After two days Carlisle notices some strange things happening to his 'children'. He notices that Emmett is now afraid of trees while Jasper seems to shy away from oranges. He notices that a sexually frustrated Rosalie is walking around with no sleeves on her clothes and Alice is complaining that Bella killed Alfie, Jem, Opal, Franny, Georgia, Penny and Pink.

Esme sees that Edward steers clear of any house wives or little old ladies, as well as the Stanley household. She also notices that Bella keeps mumbling about 'some random' from the men's room.

Not knowing what the heck is going on; Carlisle is visited at work by a fellow doctor. He is informed that the doctor works in the psychiatric ward and has five little children who think that Carlisle's son, Emmett, is the tooth fairy.

While shopping for groceries Esme is cornered by the manager of the store. She is then informed that their family is banned from the store because of the misuse of fruit. She is also cornered by Mr. Newton who has a restraining order for Jasper.

At home, Carlisle sees Bella throw up something rally odd looking. When he asks her why she ate human food she just shakes her and mumbles something along the lines of, "damn pop tarts." When he went up to his office and went to search for a certain book he found that they were all out of order.

When Esme went shopping she was talked to by one of the mall security. They told her that this was a public place and it might be tolerable for her children to act like the opposite sex but here they needed to use the bathroom that was meant for them. She is also told that it is not Halloween and therefore she should not allow her children to dress up as fruit.

Being very annoyed Carlisle decided to go to the only family member that wasn't acting weird. "Nessie, what is wrong with everyone?" he asked her. She looked at him and realizes that her parents, aunts and uncles were probably going to get into trouble she decided not to tell him. Carlisle then went to Jake, who was angry that he was not invite to play Deluxe Truth or Dare, so he told Carlisle why his family was acting as they were.

After discussing it with Esme Carlisle decided that his children needed more rules added to their lists. So, he decided to call a family meeting.

**Carlisle's POV**

We're sitting here, all of us. Even Jake and Nessie are here; they can go though. I only need to talk to Edward, Bella, Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper and Alice. I tell Jake and Nessie to leave and they do so gratefully, knowing now that they aren't in trouble.

"Why do you 6 think you are here?" asks Esme. How nice, my darling wife is trying to get them to tell the truth and not lie to us.

"Did we win something?" Emmett asks. _Always the joker,_ I think. Edward laughs and I glare at him. _If you want to read my thoughts so badly why don't you tell your wife and siblings why I have called this meeting,_ I think. Edward looks shocked as he searched through my thoughts and realizes why he is here.

"I'd rather not," he grumbles as he stares at the floor.

"Then I will," Alice says, of course, she saw me telling them, "Carlisle is mad at us because of what we did during Deluxe Truth or Dare. So, we are all getting rules added to our lists and this time he and Esme are going to write them.

"Thank you Alice," I say. Then I stare at my children, all of them have worried, annoyed and upset looks on their faces.

"Your lists will be written tonight and posted, with your current lists tomorrow. You can all go," says Esme. With that they all leave, mumbling about how this 'sucks'.

* * *

**I hope you all liked that and found it funny. I'll post their lists of new rules as soon as possible. So, please review and tell me what you all thought about it! =)**


	9. New Rules

Bella's POV

I'm scared. I don't want to go down stairs and look on the bulletin board hanging in the kitchen. However, I know that I have to, it isn't avoidable. I look at Edward, he is pacing the room. Being in trouble makes him nervous. He has heard what Carlisle and Esme have been planning on putting on his list and he isn't happy.

"Let's go love," he finally says. So we walk downstairs and go into the kitchen. Once there we see Alice Jasper Rosalie and Emmett gathered around the bulletin board where a new, freshly laminated list has been posted. We walk over and read it:

**Dear Children,**

**These will be your new rules by which we expect you to abide. Along with your previous rules these have to be followed.**

**~ Mom & Dad**

**Edward:**

**- no going near light posts**

**- must escort old ladies AND lonely house wives across the street**

**- no going near the Stanley family members**

**Bella:**

**- has to stay clear of public restrooms**

**- eat human food**

**- tell Emmett to tell little kids anything involving creatures of fantasies**

**Jasper:**

**- no more wearing your purple bunny suit**

**- no more wearing fruit costumes**

**- no telling ANYONE to cut ANYTHING from Alice or Rosalie's clothing**

**- go near the Newton's' store**

**Alice:**

**- name your credit cards**

**- have so many credit cards that you actually need to name them**

**- make Bella eat food, or enter restrooms**

**- go to any super markets**

**- touch/pick up/ poke/ stroke/ carry/ throw/ flick/ smash/ pick/ buy bananas**

**- trip Emmett**

**Emmett:**

**- run into trees**

**- tell little children he is any non-realistic mythical being**

**- enter Carlisle's study**

**- touch Carlisle's books**

**Rosalie:**

**- enter a closet with scissors**

**- not have sex with Emmett for an entire week**

**- tell Jasper to dress up like fruit**

**ALL 6 OF YOU:**

**NO MORE DELUXE TRUTH OR DARE!!!!!!!!!!!**

I step away from the list. I look at my 'siblings'. I think they would all be crying if they had the ability to do so. "No, more naming my babies?" I hear Alice whisper in disbelief.

"No more visiting Daddy-O in his study?" says Emmett.

"No more convincing Jazz to dress like fruit?" says Rosalie.

"I have to actually be near lonely house wives and old ladies?" Edward whispers; clearly unhappy.

"No more telling people to damage Rose's clothing?" Jasper says, in shock.

"I can't go near public restrooms anymore?" I mutter. I actually am upset about this one, Rose Alice and I often go into the public restrooms to fix our makeup during our shopping trips. It is always fun to watch the humans become jealous of our beauty and hear them whisper, 'they don't even need make up… spoiled brats… steal our men with their good looks…'

Then we all stare at our final rule and gasp. We all shout one big simultaneous, "No more Deluxe Truth or Dare!?!?"

**Narrator's POV**

Meanwhile up in Carlisle's study Esme hears the shouts and protests of her children. She looks at Carlisle and says, "So they've seen the list."

Carlisle looks up from his work and pauses. Listening to his kids' protesting; he smiles and says, "So they have."

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**All done! What did you guys think? I think it was rally good! So, I have some bad news… I am not going to continue this story for the time being. For now it is going to remain this way. However, maybe I will add more, like maybe they'll do some really outrageous things and Carlisle and Esme will have to make up some more rules for them for now though I am going to work on my other stories… which I urge you all to go ahead and read. Thanks for reading, please review.**


	10. Sequel

So I'm writing another story that's a lot like this one. It's going to be called 'Oh Brother'. It's all about Emmett and the crazy shenanigans he gets himself and his family into. It involves a list that's a list of things that aren't allowed into the Cullen house. So, I hope you all read that. I promise it'll be as funny as '100 Things'. I'll also incorporate some of my old story 'Chat' that got deleted. So please, please read it, I'll put it up soon.

~Emily


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